Entertainment Tonight

27 11 2007

It’s been quite a while since I laid into celebrities and since I’ve been attacking everyone else I thought it would remiss of me to leave them out of the firing line. After all it’d be a travesty to deprive them of NaBloPoMo time. Not that I need an excuse, I love a good celebrity roasting (no, that’s not a euphemism) as much as the next man (because celebrity gossip is the height of manliness).

Quite why Amy Winehouse thinks anyone believes that her canceling her remaining 2007 tour dates has anything to do with her husband is beyond me. Apparently she “can’t perform without Blake”. So it’s got nothing to do with drugs then? No, of course not, not Amy. Clearly for me to think “intense emotional strain” is merely record label speak for “she’s been higher than a kite on the top of Mount Everest” is just cynicism.

You may or may not know this but I’ve never much liked Amy. Not only do I think she’s a complete nut case (which isn’t always a bad trait) but she’s an overrated singer. Her voice is so incredibly nasal and it took the immense talents of Mark Ronson to make her sound decent. Note, even he only made her sound decent, God himself couldn’t make her sound good. Yet people talk about her like she’s the second coming.

Speaking of musicians I can’t stand, I find myself more and more disgusted by Kanye West with each passing day. To think I once had respect for him makes me actually question my own sanity. Of course the man is loaded with talent but he is the most self-righteous arrogant man in music today. Just when I thought he couldn’t get any worse (after releasing his book, which is the hallmark of today’s self-aggrandizing celebrity) the man uses the recent death of his mother to settle a lawsuit.

Some may argue that the timing is coincidental but that’s clearly not the case, I mean, even Knievel referenced it in his quotes. Using family tragedy to get sympathy from a legend like Knievel is just the sort of bottom-feeding act we’ve come to expect from Kanye who is becoming less and less distinguishable from his arch nemesis 50 Cent all the time (with the possible exception that his face hasn’t been riddled with bullets…yet)

Moving from two people that repulse me to a man that’s so awesome he makes me, the most red-blooded straight male on the planet, officially God’s Gift To Women (it’s just a pity that they sent it back, “return to sender”) weak at the knees. Many of my female friends often play the game of “I’d turn lesbian for” and let’s face it, most men won’t ever play the male equivalent. Not that I do either, it would be tantamount to coming out of the closet for us men folk. Yet I’m certain if we did one man would win out.

Johnny Depp is not only a rather attractive male (from a purely aesthetic perspective, you understand) but also one of the coolest men on the planet. This is why men everywhere want to be him and women everywhere want to be with him (although I suspect many of the men wouldn’t say no either). Just when you thought the man could not get more perfect he proves you wrong. Most men would consider jewelery a lavish gift. Not Johnny. No, he buys vineyards. I wonder how that went. “Honey, I’m home. I was going to grab some wine to have with dinner but then I just bought the vineyard.”

Unfortunately the little footnote about the woman I hate most in the world (Courtney Love) buying a place in Richmond (which, by the way, is not in Middlesex! I should know, I’m in Middlesex and have a friend in Richmond, which is SURREY) quickly brought my thoughts back to dishing some dirt. Which is fine by me because I read yet further proof that Carson Daly (who I’ve never been able to stand) has proven he’s a massive tool.

Although we never really needed it, we have it, in the form of Daly crossing the picket lines. So far I’ve opted out of writing about the writer’s strike because bloggers far more capable than I, and with far better research to back them up have already done a sterling job. One that immediately springs to mind is iJustine. Put simply the writers aren’t asking for that much. They’re just asking that in view of new media outlets like the internet becoming so popular, they continue to receive fair remuneration.

One could even make a case that they’re underselling themselves. When you see what sort of quality programming is being disrupted by this strike you realise what they contribute. They bring us such great entertainment and all they’re asking for is a fair price for their hard work. As writers ourselves, who value our content, bloggers should feel a sense of affinity with those striking. Daly can claim he’s doing it for his staffers but I just reckon it’s because if his face isn’t on TV enough his head will explode.

Legend has it Daly’s head is actually made of a million Pez tablets and doctors say such an explosion would be sufficient to cure world hunger. If that’s not enough reason to keep him off TV I don’t know what is. I wholeheartedly recommend we replace him with more of Anna Friel on TV instead. Apparently she reckons kissing through plastic is sexy. Given how incredibly hot Friel still is at 31 (did I mention I had a huge crush on her when she was in Brookside?) I’d kiss her through cement if I got the chance.

For a moment there I forgot what I was writing about. The mental image of kissing Anna Friel, albeit through a slab of concrete, was far too distracting. Friel’s most famous kiss (the lesbian scene in Brookside) is actually a great segue into the news that Portia De Rossi feared playing a lesbian on TV. I don’t get it. She’s one of the world’s most famous lesbians. What’s to fear? Now I think about it, given her girlfriend is the rather hideous Ellen DeGeneres, I can imagine she might be worried that her insane girlfriend would be jealous of the immensely foxy Joely Richardson.

Over the last few years a lot of iconic bands have been making comebacks and doing tours, be it the Pixies, Led Zeppelin or the Police. Maybe this is just me but I can’t understand it. Whenever I’ve seen one of these great bands on stage now they just look like a bunch of old men trying to recapture their long-lost youth. It’s like a mid-life crisis for millionaires. All they seem to be doing, to me, is ruining their legacy. Such a shame.

Finally, speaking of shame, England’s shame is in the news again as his girlfriend has decided to move to London to be closer to him. I wonder if sometimes he rolls over in his sleep and calls her “Eva darling”. Perhaps over a late-night candlelight dinner they discuss taking over Europe and wiping out the Jews, gypsies and homosexuals?


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5 responses

28 11 2007
Jayne d'Arcy

Well that was quite a DISH of gossip!

28 11 2007
Pribek

Well, that seems pretty comprehensive and I can go along with most of it.

The Johnny Depp stuff is a bit unsettling though.

Also, the word on the street is that Zep is going to be good. I hope so, at some point one of these geezer acts needs to display some nuts. I never heard anyone say that someone like Muddy Waters looked like and old man trying to recapture his long-lost youth. It seems to be more of a symptom of the generations of musicians that depended on posturing in the first place.

“Legend has it Daly’s head is actually made of a million Pez tablets and doctors say such an explosion would be sufficient to cure world hunger.” That, my friend, is just precious.

Re: “she’s been higher than a kite on the top of Mount Everest”. I consulted with a label guy who says he prefers; “high enough to duck hunt with a rake”.

28 11 2007
Mr President

Never let it be said that I lack quantity. I only wish the quality were better. Of course the fact that my revised NaBloPoMo challenge of 25,000 words is still a long way had absolutely nothing to do with the length of this post.

Your point about Muddy Waters is spot on. Reforming and going on tour needn’t be a bad thing if you still have something to say and are still able to say it well, it’s just that a lot of these bands don’t. The Pixies in particular, a band I loved back in the day, look like they couldn’t care less and are just in it for another pay day. Which, of course, they are.

I sincerely hope that Zep are actually in it because they want to play music, not for the money, because what’s always made the great bands stand out from the also-rans is that their passion was for the music. The money was just a nice added bonus. If that remains you should reform.

The bit about Daly’s true you know. I have it on good authority. Of course my “good authority” also swears blind that Lindsay Lohan is not an alcoholic slut and Britney’s a great mum so I’m inclined to rethink the validity of that one.

High enough to duck hunt with a rake. Heh. That is just brilliant.

29 11 2007
somegosoftly

I will love Amy Winehouse until her (un)timely death in couple years. You forget she’d just a throw back the the real deal old school drug binge-ing rockers. BTW – I saw a kick ass Pixies show, night have been one of their very first on this comeback go round. Sorry! 🙂

However, I am headed out to try and copyright the phrase “high enough to duck hunt with a rake”, now that I realize it has nothing to do with the Nintendo.

29 11 2007
Mr President

Pixies are still, and will always be, musically excellent. Yet their shows have no energy. You’re not the first person who’s seen them to say the show was kickarse and yet when I actually ask them if that had more to do with loving the Pixies great back catalogue (which I love myself) or more to do with the performance they admit it’s the former.

Amy’s not a throwback to the real deal old school drug binge-ing rockers at all. She’s an attention whore, her drug addiction is yet another way of getting people’s attention. In essence she’s the new Courtney Love only she’s not murdered her husband (yet). It’s all a huge act to cover up her lack of talent.

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