Random Roundup Returns

25 11 2007

Last month I did a Random Roundup of some rather insane news stories and it proved incredibly popular. So popular, in fact, that you were all so busy clicking the links that not one of you decided to comment. That’s the only possible explanation for it. Clearly it couldn’t be because you found the stories boring or my commentary dry. Nothing could be further from the truth, right?

Well, you lovely lovely people, your prayers have been answered. The Random Roundup is back and it’s better than ever. Which is to say it’s now fractionally better than average. Only slightly, we wouldn’t want to set the bar too high. Let’s start with the news that an Italian teacher has been suspended for being a porn star in her spare time.

Why didn’t I have teachers like that in school? Of course I didn’t go to school in Italy which means my teachers were either incredibly ugly women or hair old men, but let’s just assume that if I had a teacher who was a porn star she was hot. Although Ron Jeremy has proven male porn stars can be ugly, I’m not sure the same can be said for female ones. I bet I’d have paid more attention. Not to the class, naturally. I might only have come out with Cs but I’d also have come out with greater appreciation for C-cups.

Apparently they’re set to make a sequel to Babe: Pig In The City. Either that or the Andrex puppy is going into service as a guide dog (or being put down). Those are the only two explanations I can think of for why a piglet decided it would be a good idea to stowaway on a truck full of toilet roll. All jokes aside for a moment (and they weren’t really funny anyway) I find it rather sickening to think it might have been a prank.

Investors in China prove the old saying that there really is a sucker born every minute. In the case of China it’s probably even more than that with the way they pop out fresh ones. You’d think that instead of eating dogs they’d eat the excess children. A succulent meal and a solution to an overpopulation problem. Two birds, one stone. Waste not want not. See, this is why I should rule the world, innovative solutions to problems.

When Americans complain about the Patriot Act perhaps they’d like to take a look at Thailand. A new law is being proposed to require motorists to stop when the national anthem is played. Not only that but apparently they’ve been playing the national anthem twice a day for some time now. If the law does come into effect I wonder it will bring a whole new meaning to being Thai-ed up in traffic (someone had to make that joke).

Colombians seem to have misunderstood the idea of a sub with everything in it. I only wish this is what Subway meant when they asked “Do you want coke with that?” An output of 600 tonnes a year does make you wonder if they should just legalise it and tax it. They’d make a small fortune. Could even become a major world superpower.

Given Reuters’ reputation I have to think that the pun on “fume” is intentional here, and if so, it is so deliciously subtle. The law is a rather stupid one, and like the local councillor I have to wonder how on earth they’ll enforce it. Quite how you work out what “too close” to a pregnant woman means is beyond me. Whilst I salute the effort and agree we should protect pregnant women from second-hand smoke (though not the children…it gives them a smoky flavour) it just seems unworkable in practice.

And finally, if you thought fascists only shaved their heads you were wrong. It seems the height of Nazi fashion is a shaved dog. I particularly liked the discussion over whether he’d taken the dog out in public. Apparently shaving symbols on your dog is completely OK (so no animal cruelty or anything) but taking the same dog out for a walk is simply unacceptable. Yes, I know, freedom of expression but since when was a living creature like a dog reduced to a mere vehicle of expression? Next we’ll be saying children are.

When we all know that children are a nutritional and succulent meal option.


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3 responses

26 11 2007
Jayne d'Arcy

“When we all know that children are a nutritional and succulent meal option.”

Uh oh… you mean, they aren’t???

26 11 2007
Mr President

Oh no they definitely are. In fact I wholeheartedly recommend them. Yum.

8 12 2007
Bite Sized News « Textual Relations

[…] Andy I tend to take one topic and write a lengthier post about (except for the more light-hearted Random Roundup) but I’ve decided that perhaps I should use that approach more occasionally. Instead smaller […]

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