Barbie To Release Single About Annoying Plastic Twins

13 09 2007

No, wait, I think I got that a bit wrong. Quite frankly the news that the Marchant twins are set to release a cover of the Aqua song “Barbie Girl” is worrying on so many levels that I do not even know where to begin. For those not familiar with them, don’t worry, you do not need to be, all you need to know is that the 1997 novelty song “Barbie Girl” by the one-hit wonders Aqua is their favourite song of all time. Yes, really, of all time. Of course most people’s choice of “favourite song of all time” is wrong (almost as many as talk about a “favourite movie of all time” without having seen the classics), but that’s more wrong than most.

The original was funny, I suppose, in an incredibly Kitsch way, but there was no need for anyone to cover it. Anyone. Let alone the Helium twins, whose speech patterns (loud, high-pitched and quicker than Speedy Gonzalez) are enough to annoy you, without even factoring in their abhorrent personalities. They are, to be fair, Big Brother contestants. The majority of the show’s contestants are the very dregs of society, and the odd few that are ok are often the ones that are unpopular with the public. The fact that the vile excuses for human beings are the popular ones speaks volumes about the degenerate idiots we call a public, and give me a lot of reason to want to nuke it all and start over again. Anyone who lists things they love as being “partying, shopping and all things pink and fluffy” needs to be shot in the face with a 12 gauge.

And no, should any male fans of theirs should bring this up, they are not at all hot, and if you believe they are, your reproductive organs should be destroyed because clearly you are totally incapable of using them responsibly. Their looks are distinctly average, typical slutty, tarty Chav scum, the type you often see on any high street in the country, and their “personalities” more than outweigh any modicum of physical attractiveness (of which there is none).

Basically they represent everything that’s wrong with the North and why, if we could, I’d suggest we split the country just north of the Watford gap and let the wasteland up there float away. Our American readers will have no idea what I’m on about but let me give you some advice; if you’re civilised and are planning to visit England, don’t go North of London. Trust me, you won’t like it. It makes the backwards redneck states look practically normal by comparison.

I’d like to finish by commenting on the idiot spokesman from Sony who said:

“It is a measure of how much viewers identified with the twins that they were the only Big Brother contestants never to have been nominated for a single eviction”.

No, you complete moron, if the viewers identified so much with them they’d have won instead of finishing second. The fact they finished second suggests that the viewers did identify with them a decent amount, although I can only hope that a sizeable amount of that support came from the cretins up North. The rest of you, you are an utter disgrace, I hope to God you do not procreate and spread your pathetic waste of genetic material any further.

The fact someone doesn’t come up for nomination is a measure of how much the housemates identified with them, you corporate ninny, although that in itself is a worry, until you look at who the housemates were this year. Totally freak show city barring the one sane person who was kicked out for using a racial expletive that wasn’t anywhere near as bad as the racism during the celebrity version…


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