The Athletic Hijab

18 08 2007

This post may offer an interesting insight into just how warped and perverse my mind is. Equally it may offend your fragile sensibilities. In fact, now I think about it, it’s very likely to do both, but I only really care about the former. The latter is entirely your problem. One of many, I might add. Anyway, I was at the gym and noticed how all the women, even those with cellulite and an arse that looks like a blancmange, wear tight-fitting clothes. And it got me thinking, why would you wear lycra if you are fat? Surely there comes a time at which you realise you’re simply too fat to exercise, and should just give up? I saw a woman at the gym recently who should have realised she overweight before she ate the house. And the garden. And the family who lived there. And the dog.

Progressing this trail of thinking logically, as you do, I started wondering. What do they do in those Middle Eastern countries where woman are to wear a Hijab, or at the very least remain covered, at all times? I very much doubt Muhammad had in mind Jane Fonda in Spandex when writing the Qur’an. Or maybe he did? The old horndog did have 13 wives! As I was saying, what do they do? Whilst you could, I suppose, run on a treadmill in a Hijab, at least until you tripped up on it (and maybe the facial covering might protect your teeth when you hit the floor?), using a cross-trainer might be a whole new kettle of fish, and lets not get started on the rower. Think of the accidents!

No, what you need is an Athletic Hijab, elasticated in strategic places so it stays on, without accentuating the female form in any way. Maybe a little shorter, too, although you’d need to find a way to keep the ankles covered. Only whores and Jews don’t cover their ankles! If there isn’t one already, there should be, it could be a brand new niche industry. There are fortunes to be made!

If that fails you could sell Hijabs to fat people to hide their shame…


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16 responses

18 08 2007
somegosoftly

I don’t know about the middle east, but as I get tinier and tinier, I STILL won’t wear tight fitting clothes to work out in. It makes you hotter, and makes no sense. Someone needs to let the ladies know, I hope you have a handle on it. 😉

18 08 2007
Mr President

Oh, but you see I like the tiny women wearing tight fitting clothes. Gives me something to look at to take my mind off the agony I’m putting my body through. A nice visual distraction, if you will. So I’m afraid I won’t be letting any tiny ladies know. Sorry.

(But yes, loose clothing is always better to work out in, which is why I never wear fitted T-shirts at the gym, only out socially)

19 08 2007
Jayne dArcy

Check this, Mr. President: http://www.jelbab.com/Swim-Suit.asp

One of the hottest fashion sensations is the Sharia Suit – a swimsuit and a garment for women to exercise in. These showed up about a year ago.

Btw – Any overweight woman who shows up in a gym is welcome to wear any damn article of spandex she wishes (in my opinon). She’s got more chutzpah than I do, and she’s doing something to get rid of that weight.

19 08 2007
Mr President

I knew there was a niche market! And people reading this probably thought I was crazy or just joking around. Hah!

(btw thanks for the link Jayne).

There’s a fine line between overweight and fat Jayne, and I definitely have less issue with women who’re merely overweight wearing tight-fitting clothes. There’s hope for them to lose the weight, at least, but I’m sorry, there comes a time when you must realise you’re too damn big.

That woman I spoke about in the article was the size of TWO cross-trainers. I was worried she was actually going to break the equipment. No joke, I’ve seen vans smaller than this woman. Clearly she should have done something to lose the weight, but it took her too bloody long to realise that, and now she’s a lost cause.

Nope, much more humane to put them down I think…

19 08 2007
Romi

LOL, this post is highly offensive to people that get offended, but I thought it was rather amusing… 🙂

On the spandex thing:

It’s those damn weight-loss shows, with their “it’s never too late to start”, and “anyone can do it” messages, that convince these SUPER-fat people to tumble out of their beds, and roll on to the gym. And ya, they wear spandex, for the following reason: they’ve been stuck in the house so long, and gained so much “acceptance” from their fridge, their couch, their family, that they have NO concept of how offensive their body is to the outside world.

Then they finally go to the gym, give-up after 10 minutes, and go home to their cake…”False Hope”, it’s one of society’s greatest ills….

19 08 2007
Jayne dArcy

Overly obese people are tough to look at, and that’s another person’s choice to look away or leave. Many overly obese DID have a choice in how they got that way, but a gym is there for people to get in shape, to lose weight. If the gym cleared that woman (spandex and all) for the machines she was on, then I’m going to reserve some respect for her. I’m 215 pounds (you know the ancient Willendorf figure – I’m a living example). I wouldn’t get out to a gym in a baggy, comfy sweatsuit, because I’m too embarassed to be seen. It’s a shame, too, because it only means it’s that much harder for me to push myself to exercise at home. It’s also attitudes like:

Clearly she should have done something to lose the weight, but it took her too bloody long to realise that, and now she’s a lost cause.

Nope, much more humane to put them down I think…

that keep me inside. I’ll say it again and again, SHE had the nerve to ignore such thoughts from others, and possible vocal jeers, and is doing something to reverse what she did to herself. For that alone, she and others deserve my respect, not my narrow-minded judgement.

19 08 2007
Mr President

Yes, but you’re not a bitter twisted people-hater like I am.

19 08 2007
romi41

It feels so wrong and dirty to even admit this, but I identify so much more with Mr. President’s last comment…I feel sad, but at the same time…right at home…

8 09 2007
Overweight

I can’t believe you people would actually put these thought in writing and attach a picture.

I need to lose weight, but you need compassion in your life.

You know, its as hard for the overweight person to look at themselves as it is for you to look at them… harder, even.

People who are “perfect” anyway shouldn’t need the gym. Go to the coffee shop instead and let us who need to be there have it. You can talk about us all over your latte’.

8 09 2007
Mr President

You people? I’m only one person. And what picture’s that? You’re preaching to the wrong person, I was overweight, quite considerably if you look at my BMI (which was 30 at the start of the summer). My BMI is now around 26. If I can do that in the space of three months, there really is no excuse for people to be insanely obese other than sheer laziness.

It should be hard for them to look at themselves. They should be ashamed of their inability to actually get off their huge rear ends and do something about their problem. Once again, I use myself as an example, a total couch potato who hated exercising. However when I realised there was a problem with my lifestyle, I changed it.

Even now I would not consider myself “perfect” but I am finally starting to get very happy about the way I look. However it didn’t come easy, and the biggest satisfaction is that I know I worked very hard to get to this stage, and I’m not finished yet. What I am is better than you.

And actually people who are “perfect” are the ones who belong in the gym. The difference is they realise that once you get to looking good, you need to work hard to maintain it, whereas the giant blobs of this world will get down to an “acceptible” weight and then stop going, go back to the cream cakes, put all the weight back on and sicken the rest of us again.

Why don’t you have the latte? You sound like you need comfort food and you won’t notice the extra weight you put on because of it, whereas I will…

9 01 2008
David Weisman

If you were worried about women in the gym who felt bad you might not be attracted to them, this post certainly helped. I’m sure they’ll feel differently about you now.

9 01 2008
Mr President

Strangely enough I wasn’t worried about that at all…

1 04 2008
muslimah

I am a muslimah(female muslim)..i am a tad overweight(not a obese or anything lol)….yea some of ur comments i find offensive, but thats another issue entirely……anyways but yea in reference to ur question on athletic hijabs they do have them..it was my saving grace..with it on i am m able to go aerobic class and run one mile a day and in doing so i have lost 40 pounds(yay me…:)). They actually have swim wear as well..its called the burkini
(i thought the name was cute and funny..). Im thinking of ordering one so i can do aqua aerobic(yay how fun)

20 09 2008
24 05 2009
qoham

when ya burn in hell, i’ll request Allah to worsen your punishment 100000000 times more, you poor lil lost soul, but for now, continue enjoying the company of your beloved satan (the cursed one) who’s gonna drown you along with your pathetic boat in the afterlife….(lmao!!!)

19 10 2009
california

I couldn’t read your blog any further once I came across a very ignorant comment, “I very much doubt Muhammad had in mind Jane Fonda in Spandex when writing the Qur’an”… Muhammad didn’t write the Quran according to Muslim belief and therefore you shouldn’t assume that he did because for you to assume something you need to do complete research of the Quran before making any conclusions and therefore I request you to read the book itself before making any prior judgments.
I wish you well.

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