Big Screen Romance: A Crime Against Mankind

11 03 2007

1510069.jpgMeet Tom Lane, the man who has made life considerably harder for men around the world. I’m sure all you men out there would like to join me in thanking him for this. How has he made life harder for us? Well, for starters I can imagine several wives turning to their husbands upon reading this story and saying, probably in her patented nasal nagging whine, “Why couldn’t you have done something romantic like that?” It probably wouldn’t even matter if what you did was romantic, thanks to Mr Lane it won’t seem nearly quite as original or sweet. If it wasn’t bad enough being married, with all that commitment and having to sleep with only one woman (if that) for the rest of your life, now you’ve got the added “bonus” of a grumpy Mrs for the next couple of days. Which means even if there was the slimmest chance of you actually getting the wife to give you some sugar, it won’t be happening. I suppose that’s what fat interns are for.

And it’s not just married men who’ll suffer now, oh no, the unmarried ones will too. Can you imagine how much creativity you’ll have to show when, after years of nagging and henpecking, when the looks begin to fade and you’re simply not getting as much sex as they used to, you finally do propose? It’s bad enough that you’re potentially giving up ever having sex again (unless she’s feeling broody and wants to get pregnant, in which case you’re in for a whole world of pain once the hormones go even wilder than usual) but now you have to come up with an original way to propose? Great! And you now know who to blame, don’t you? It’s bad enough with women constantly at us to be “spontaneous”, which is just another word for “like the men in all those romance novels I read, who are actually entirely effeminate in personality, suggesting that perhaps I have deep-rooted lesbian leanings”. No man is like that, I mean, ladies, they call it “fiction” for a reason. Maybe you should try drinking from the furry cup?

Tom & TinaNow of course only someone completely heartless would deny that what Mr Lane did was romantic, and despite my latent cynicism even I have to admit it was pretty impressive. I’m sure his lovely fiance Tina found the whole thing incredibly special and wonderful but Tom, think about the bigger picture. We all appreciate the fact you’re punching way above your weight here and I understand that in order to get someone who’s clearly way out of your league to marry you, you have to go above and beyond, but in order to get your bit of crumpet you’ve screwed over every living male around the world. Which would be fine if you could be sure that she won’t stop putting out after you’re married but let’s face it, she clearly will. Once she starts that extra-marital affair you won’t be getting any; women are like sexual camels, they can store it up to keep their urges at bay. And you know you’re ugly or you wouldn’t have taken five years to propose. Congratulations, dipstick, welcome to the real world.

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